Between Feelings and Duty
by ncfan
Summary: She was crying, and he knew better than to go to her.


**Characters:** Byakuya, Rukia, Kaien.**  
Pairings:** none.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Spoilers for the Soul Society arc.**  
Timeline:** pre-manga**  
Author's Note: **I always wondered what Byakuya's thoughts were after Kaien died.**  
Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

* * *

The division headquarters were painfully quiet and seemed somewhat deflated without Kaien there, and even Byakuya, who hadn't been able to stand the older man, felt something akin to regret that he was gone. He hadn't realized how "whole" Shiba Kaien made the Thirteenth Division, and everything would be entirely different now that Kaien was dead.

In short, the grounds of the Thirteenth Division seemed a little duller, the colors less vivid.

She was crying. It took Byakuya a moment to realize that, but she was.

Rukia was pressed up against a thin wooden wall inside Ukitake's office, knees to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs. She shook, afflicted with tremors, her eyes screwed shut and leaking tears, small, soft sounds suspiciously like sobbing coming from her closed mouth. She seemed unaware of Byakuya's presence.

He had sensed her reiatsu the moment Byakuya set foot on the Thirteenth Division grounds. Rukia's reiatsu was familiar to him now, an ever-present thought on the outskirts of his awareness. He hadn't expected this.

Byakuya had never seen Rukia cry before. She had always held a spine of steel around Byakuya, never showing her more vulnerable emotions, always quiet, always keeping her head down. It was as though Rukia was afraid that if she showed a softer skin towards him it would be the death of her.

She was crying. It was the only thing Byakuya could string together in his mind. He had never seen her cry.

Byakuya stood there silently, not alerting Rukia to his presence; she must have been genuinely distraught not to have sensed him coming.

He could not ignore what he was seeing. Byakuya averted his eyes, feeling ashamed to intrude upon her private guilt.

It was so hard to restrain the urge to try to comfort her. It hadn't been hard to take Rukia to his heart, watching her show a different side when not under his shadow, bright and open. It wasn't difficult to love her, being Hisana's sister and just being Rukia herself. Byakuya's iron composure would have broken then and there, with so small an impetus, if he had not remembered what was important.

But there were some things that had to be avoided.

Byakuya tucked his chin downwards. There were lessons that had be learned, and what Rukia learned now could only be endured alone. Everyone died, even Shinigami, and Rukia had to learn. It was sad, but the truth, and they all had to experience the bitter cup of truth in order to grow. All Byakuya would have done if he had tried to console her was wound her further.

It was the lesson they all dreaded, but could not avoid.

Byakuya had to admit that he resented Kaien for the place he had had in Rukia's life. Kaien had become everything to Rukia in such a short time, mentor, brother, friend… Byakuya even had reason to suspect that Rukia's feelings for the man had gone beyond what was typically considered appropriate for a student. Byakuya had remained the aloof older brother, the one who was impossible to please and watched only from afar.

He had been happy to feel joy for Rukia's mayfly happiness. She had blossomed in the Thirteenth division, free and strong. Her wide eyes had opened with a childlike innocence and joy in life that Byakuya couldn't remember seeing in her when they had meant. Something in Rukia that Byakuya had thought was either dead or had never lived in the first place had raised its head again, to bloom for a brief time.

Then, it was all over.

It wasn't Byakuya's place to resent Kaien for dying. Kaien couldn't have helped his death, and Byakuya could hardly blame him for temporarily losing his reason over his wife's death, when Byakuya himself had barely been able to cling to his sanity after Hisana died.

But what right did Kaien have to inflict so much sorrow on Rukia? What right did he have to foist the responsibility of his death onto Rukia, whose shoulders couldn't support the pressure? Kaien had given Rukia the short end of the stick, the most painful emotions of the lot, and left her with no joy to tide it out.

Byakuya couldn't go to her, and it was difficult not to hate Kaien for making Rukia cry.


End file.
